Wednesday, March 4, 2015

#LoveMe Challenge // A Word That Describes Me

I would easily say one of the biggest words to describe me would be goofy.

I'm not always the best at expressing it (simply because I'm not good at expressing anything) but once I'm comfortable enough - oohwee I can be ten tons of funny. haha

Laughing is one of my absolute favorite things to do. I'm very easily amused so I spend a good amount of time laughing. I am always joking around and being silly. I can die laughing at the most random things. I've been told a lot that I need to just film all of my conversations because I'm bound to say some crazy shit that gets people laughing. 

I know sometimes it may not be easy to tell since I am so guarded and shut down. My anxieties make it hard to relax enough around people. But when I do, you're in for a treat. 

I've been called many things but goofy is by far the most common adjective ever used to describe me, and I'd say it's very fitting!

Now to just work on getting better at showing that side of me to more people. :)

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

#LoveMe Challenge // A Photo of Me

Only on day 2 and I'm already feeling how desperately I need this challenge again. Today my self-esteem and self-love is at a minimum.

It astonishes me that so many people can look at me and see something beautiful. Artists draw my photos, people frequently tell me that I should model, and compliments are never-ending. 

I can't say I've lost all the progress I made back in December. Still I'd be lying if I said my self-esteem never drops. Though it doesn't as often as before, so maybe I just need to keep doing this challenge until it sticks. Because there are still days like today when I look at myself and all I see are my flaws. My blotched, butchered hair. All my fat and flab. The dark circles under my eyes. Then I  feel so horribly hideous.

 I suppose I hate myself even more because it's all my fault. 

My hair is messed up because of me. My body has become chubby and disgusting because I never manage to stick with exercising no matter how bad I want to. Dry, cracked hands and horrible cuticles from my lack of consistency with lotions and oils. It all comes back to me. 

People look at a glance and say I'm pretty. But I'm in my body. I spend every moment in this hell. I see every flaw, every broken nail and acne, feel every dry patch of skin, I see it all. I feel like if people really were to take a true, observant look at me then they would find me much less pretty, too. There's only so much a photo can show. 

Many times I am full of confidence. 

Today is not that day....

How can I love myself when I see myself so clearly? All the flaws....all the demons...all the darkness...
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