Thursday, April 17, 2014

Daily Divine | 4

"The Daily Divine" is a series of daily posts to share faith, encouragement, and reach out to other Christians or even non-believers who could benefit. If you want to participate at any time (whether one day or many), just send me your post and I'll link to it! 

Yikes, I got super behind on this! I kept thinking to do it but I just didn't much have it in me.

I'm still struggling but I think it also doesn't help that I've been avoiding everything. I do that. I hide in shame. What's sad is God is the only one I do that with. Maybe because I feel that He has so much higher standards than others would, since I often feel He expects me to be perfect and I hate having to face that I'm not.

That's actually one of my biggest problems in this. I feel that if I make any sin (since all sins are equal) then I'm a failure. That I leave Him disappointed. What about the habitual sins? What about the sins that I hate that I can't seem to shake, even after I thought I'd truly repented and moved on? What about sins that I keep doing and have no intention of stopping? What about sins I have yet to make?

I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, that I'm a disappointment, or a failure.

Why can't I just be me? Little imperfect me. I have no intention on not bettering myself. My whole life revolves around improving...everything. It's not in my DNA to settle. But must I really have that constant pressure that it's being forced on me? That I'll be punished if I'm imperfect.

Can't I just be a screw up with an insane love for God? Is that really not enough? 

I also avoid church alot, because other Christians are far from understanding. Actually, I tend to have a pretty strong dislike for Christians. It's these "followers of Christ" that give God a bad name. But when I struggle, I don't need someone to preach to me. I own 3 Bibles, a whole shelf of Christian books, and have Youversion on my computer and my phone. I'm not incapable of or unwilling to find verses. I need compassion, love, and understanding. But Christians act like they just can't comprehend how another Christian could have doubts or questions or anger or struggles. Oh cause your relationship with God is so perfect? Didn't realize this was Heaven and you've already been made complete. *eyeroll*

It gets really hard sometimes.

Because I'm not perfect...

I make mistakes....

But I will change. Of my own doing. Not to please God or Christians or anyone.

Because I am me. If He really loves me, isn't that enough?

Quote from the Song:

"...Cause I was lost in this dark world until I was finally found in You. So I now I'm needing, desperate pleading, Oh Lord, be all to me. And be my Savior, be my lifeline, won't you be my everything? Cause I'm so tired of trying to be someone I was never meant to be. Be my God, please be my God, be my God, so I can just be me..."

Bible Verse:

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
- Matthew 6:21

I was trying to come up with a tagline for my blog when I came upon this perfect quote, and to make it more perfect, it's scripture! (Although I just realized I swapped also and be on the banner, but whatever. It sounds better that way anyways. lol)


Father, I know I haven't come to You lately like I should have. I live in fear of shame, rejection, disappointment. I love You more than anyone and the thought that You would be angry or upset or disappointed in me is the worst pain. I pray that You will help me to know, but furthermore, to help all of Your children know that You do love us as we are, that we can come to You with our baggage and burdens and sins, because You love us. I pray we will all realize that we don't have to be anyone but ourselves because You can handle the rest for us. 

Father, my greatest prayer is that love will just be enough. Enough for You, enough for everyone. There isn't enough love in this world, and having to face the fear that "why would it matter when love isn't enough anyways" isn't something that should be an issue. No one should ever have to feel that love is pointless because their love isn't enough. So I pray, please, just let love be enough.

I love You. Always. Endlessly. (Even when I don't show it.)
Be with us all today, Father.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Healthy Living | Step One

Hey hey! So, lately I have been trying really hard to live healthier. If you follow me on IG you've probably seen me whine and complain mention being sick a lot. A lot of the time I deal with stuff like infections, TMJ, pinched nerve - just ridiculous stuff like that. But in between those, I tend to be in a constant state of weak, nauseous, and just really crappy feeling. I am sure that the food I've been forced to eat lately is a huge factor in that. 

So I want to eat better. Right now mostly I'm trying to learn HOW. Do they have classes on healthy eating? Because I need one! I mean I am completely and utterly clueless on what is healthy or not. I mean, some stuff is given - fast food vs fruit etc. But overall? Nope. I have no idea.

But I've been trying to pick up on some things and apply them.

One of the first things I tried out was fish. Mostly salmon, because that was like the biggest thing I kept reading for healthy living. And I actually quite enjoy salmon and tilapia. 

This tilapia here I just baked in the oven with some lemon pepper. With a side of white rice (with butter, sorry) and broccoli (with ranch). I don't think butter's good. No idea if ranch is or not but I don't think I'll be giving that up any time soon. Unless a lot of people say it is really really bad. Then I'll go cry in a corner as I throw it away. haha

I was also suggested by someone I follow on Instagram to try out alternative milk, so I went out and bought a thing of almond milk. 

(sorry, IG photo = blurrrrrry)

I was very pleasantly surprised to enjoy it! I'm sort of a milk addict. I drink milk a lot - before bed, with snacks, just because, etc. I've toned down a lot and drink water most of all. But when my tummy is really upset, sometimes having a glass of milk makes me feel better. Oddly though, when it's not, sometimes milk can cause me to feel a bit sick. Not in a lactose intolerant sort of way, just kind of icky. I dunno, maybe it's a weird coincidence? But regardless, I wanted to try something that would be even healthier so I tried this out.

It does have a hint of almond but was not at all as terrifyingly drastic as I expected it to be. Mostly can't even in tell when drinking it straight, and definitely couldn't in cereal. I'll have to try out the vanilla almond and whatever else there was next time but luckily this was a success! (and cheaper!)

Oh - I almost never drink sodas, but I stopped a long time ago. Still have a sweet tea habit but I think I can kick that one easily. Mostly my father always gets a bottle and I drink it because he got it. So I'll just make it clear not to get anymore. It's the south so it's a little hard to escape. haha I do have some hot teas in the cupboard, not sure if those are a healthier choice or just popular. Do you know?

(sorry, another IG photo)

For snacks lately I've been obsessed with these little treats.Graham crackers with a little chocolate frosting and banana slices. Sorry, healthy or not I will not give up chocolate. I really don't eat a TON of it though. Usually a candy bar here or there, or something like this, maybe a couple times a week if that. I'm not really sure about graham crackers. I'd imagine they're bad?? No idea. But it has a banana....that's gotta count for something right? lol

Anyways, I'm really making an effort, but I'm so clueless. So please, please if you have anything to! And preferably within a good budget. Our biggest issue before was my father kept buying tv dinners since they're only $1 each...Yeah that's pretty much where our budget is. I won't get into that but the cheaper the better! But any suggestions and help is beyond appreciated!!

....Now just to start working fitness in. I went out walking a few days ago hoping to start then my sleep schedule flipped and now I'm back in my nocturnal state. And ain't no way in hell I'm walking through the ghetto at night. Sure ain't tryna get myself killed by gangs or drug dealers, screw that! haha It's terrifying enough during the day! Between the exercise and anxiety, it's a miracle my heart doesn't burst. lol

I have an exercise bike in the living room to use while I watch tv....If only I could stop working on other stuff and force myself on it. I don't just just and watch tv, I usually only half pay attention while working on things, so I'd have to stop working to get up. Although I know it's best, I have a hard time getting through to my brain! Ugh.

One step at a time, I guess...

Wish me luck!

- Toria
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